Have you been in the hole lately?

Well, yeah. no. I don’t know actually

So I’m gonna be honest with all of you. I’m rather uninspired today as I sit at my desk and write down these words. It’s a strange day today, the dark entity in my head tries its best to take me down again but I’m not letting it. This post may appear unstructured and not planned because it is.

“What’s the dark entity you mentioned?” you may ask. Well for starters it’s kind of like a voice in my head. Unlike someone that hears voices I don’t really hear that other voice. It’s more like thoughts that pop up in your mind without you being able to do anything against it. They feel somehow like your own thoughts but at the same time they feel like someone elses. Really hard to describe – and probably comprehend. Basically, these thoughts tell me how senseless everything is and how shitty the world is. This entity hates everything and everyone, it doesn’t want to do anything all day and stay in bed. Just laying there to suffer.

Fortunately, after almost a year of therapy and stuff, I start to understand how to deal with this entity. When it’s present and “talks” to me I simply talk back to it and calm it down. Try to think of it like talking to a kid that is upset or is crying because of something. Maybe it’s not that accurate (I don’t have kids and don’t actually know how I would do this task to calm it down and stuff) but the best metaphor I can think of atm. I cannot get upset or “loud” with the entity, because that’s what it wants in a way. If I either do this or just give in and do nothing I’m lost and i fall in a deep, dark hole – at least for the day. Describing what the hole is like is kind of hard. This entity takes over everything of you, your thoughts, your emotions and even your body in some cases. Everything is obviously still yours but it also feels controlled externally. You get flushed with bad thoughts that often do not have ends but rather loop around and come again. In those situations I know that not everything what I think is necessarily true or logical but at the same time your “other self” makes you believe it. You slide down this really slippery slide and can’t do anything against it.

Luckily nowadays I can mostly avoid falling in this hole for a whole day. That doesn’t mean that I win every battle with the entity. Like today I wanted to go to a store to buy colors and brushes after therapy but it made me go home. This is something I have to deal with at the moment, I win some and I loose some battles. Accepting this is a first step towards dealing with depression. You just have to remind yourself that if you loose a battle today it doesn’t mean you will loose the next battle and the one after that etc. As I said I lost a battle today but fuck it, I am going to buy the paint and brushes tomorrow. The war is long, it’s not won in one battle.

The entity starts to loose power over you once you find reasons (for you personally) to keep going and to get up in the morning. Another way to put it is you simply have to do stuff. Then you don’t have as much time to think and stay in your head. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog and started to stream on twitch (twitch.tv/mrluukyy). As I mentioned earlier I want to buy stuff to paint, because I also want to keep doing this. Oh and I found my love for reading again. I think I read about 17 books since last summer. Not only you can experience awesome stories with books but it’s also the quietness I really enjoy. Especially in those fast loud times nowadays this is a good method to escape the insanity of our world – more about this insanity maybe in a future post – for an hour or two.

This is a rather short one but as I said I had a strange and uninspired day today. I think considering those circumstances I nevertheless put something valueable to paper.
Hope you liked it, feel free to share this blog. Thanks for the support!

Peace i’m out!