Well, I wish I did…
Man it has been tough to get inspired or find a topic for the blog in the last couple of days. When I started it I had so much in mind, so much to say but somehow it’s as if I talked about everything without anything left. That’s not true, though! I feel kind of empty in my head regarding writing. And that’s exactly the topic I want to adress today. I start to feel something again. For a long time I couldn’t say that at all. I talked to a bunch of other people with depression and a lot of them experience rushes of “bad” emotions without the ability to control them. For example they start to cry and/or a sudden rage comes over them. For me, however, none of this was ever the case. For me, the exact opposite developed over time. I didn’t really feel anything for a long time…
“Hey isn’t it way better to not feel any emotion than to start crying for no reason or destroy stuff you actually like in a sudden rush of anger?” you may ask yourselves. Well maybe, but let me tell you that not feeling anything is also no joke. It probably started with me not caring about little things in my life. “What am I gonna wear today? It doesn’t matter!” This developed over time of course. At some point nothing mattered anymore. And it’s somehow logical. Compare those two situations: You get a raise at work and your friend cancels the visit he/she wanted to do. Well, the raise should make you happy and the canceling friend should make you sad or angry. If you can’t feel anything those two situations “feel” exactly the same. It’s just a dull line like a the one of a stopping heartbeat. Why should you matter about anything from now on, because everything that happens is the same to you? Often times you don’t even know how you are doing. If you don’t have any emotions how do you know what needs you have at that given point in time? At some point I didn’t care whether I am alive or dead anymore.
The thing is, my mind is playing a huge role in my emotional dullness. As I said I had/have no emotions for a long time but when I was faced with either bad or good situations where I should have been e.g. happy or angry my mind kind of told me what I was supposed to feel. It’s so hard to explain. Upon receiving good news I just knew I was or was supposed to be happy but I did not feel happy. Does that make sense? Probably not but there is no better explanation sadly.
I guess a reason why my mind unconciously started this emotional dullness thing is to save me from unpleasant situations. It kind of makes sense right? Before getting overwhelmed with bad emotions and doing bad things based on that let’s better not feel anything at all. So we can be rational. Unfortunately, that led, as I said, also to not feeling anything positive anymore and also to dissociations I started to develop. And I can hear you ask “What are dissociations?”. Well, dissociations can show themselves in a lot of ways. I don’t want to be a lecturer so I will just write down what I experienced. Go to the following website if you are interested in more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Summed up you can understand dissociations as detachments from reality (I copied that from the wikipedia article :P). I experience them in two ways. From certain times in the past I almost have no memories. I can barely remember anything of the first half of 2019 because I was so fucking stressed out due to work. It’s also hard to explain, of course I know what I was doing the first half of 2019 (working) but at the same time it’s just as if this time does not exist. Very weird. I also have this feeling about the first two weeks in the depression clinic I was in. I know I was there but it’s kind of gonein my head, too. The second kind of dissociations I experience is when I am in an unpleasant situation. When it happens then my mind wanders of somewhere else and I don’t really feel like me anymore. It’s really hard to follow conversations and remember things then. It feels like I am more of a neutral and invisible observant from outside. Now the detachment from reality thing makes sense, right? The problem with it is, however, without knowledge and therapy you don’t really know when you experience them. That makes it so hard to work against. What do I do when I realize I am drifting of? I try to inflict harmless pain to myself. I press the pain point between the thumb and the pointer. This helps me come back in the moment and is completely harmless. It really hurts, though. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen to often anymore. Probably also, because I became less dull emotionally and know when I don’t feel comfortably and stuff like that.
That was it for this week. I hope you liked it!
And in the end I have to adress the obvious. Yes we have a pandemic going on right now but please don’t act like a stupid retard and do hamster shopping and freak out about it. Take it seriously but don’t overreact. In my opinion the media and its reporting has a lot to do with the panic of the people so let me suggest you one last thing. I just go to this website to inform myself about “corona” with facts and not with stupid headlines because the media wants to make money. Go here and check it out for yourself: https://www.who.int (World Health Organization).
Peace!
Gaming, Depression & other stuff 