Do you remember the hole?

Unfortunately, YES…

Well… shit! I bet a lot of you guys know the situation when you made future plans (eventually with big changes after a hard time), are really excited for this “new” future and then it happens… something rather unforeseen happens and one puzzle piece of your plan does not fit anymore and the whole plan shatters to pieces. Well, at least in your head in the beginning.

This happened to me today! I got a message that something I really wished for does not work out the way I hoped. Honestly, my world and my future lie in shattered pieces in my mind atm. Even though I was going quite personal in this blog in the past I don’t really want to go in too much detail. All I share for now is that it’s work related. I’d rather talk and write about things I did or that happened to me rather than telling people want I want to do in the future. So I keep it more general here.

Basically, I am at the edge of the infamous hole staring into the infinite abyss of darkness, desperation and fear.

It’s just so frustrating and I don’t know what to do now. I hope I find a solution in the next days but in the moment where I am writing this I don’t know what to do. If I was able to cry, I guess this would be a fantastic moment for it…

The thing is I originally got the message two days ago but I was too scared to read it. I generally have the “problem” where I delay reading messages. I don’t really know why yet, tho. Well, apparently my guts said this message is bad so I was afraid too read it immediately. I knew I had to read it soon because, as I said, it was important for a “no” or a “go” for my plans.
– Quick sidenote: if you happen to be someone who waits for a response from me atm, I mean no offense, it’s just like that currently and I’m working on it. I’m sorry! –

So yeah, I feel like I got punched in the face laying on the ground completely dizzy right now. Need to gather my thoughts right now and in the next days. Hope I find a solution or an alternative soon. Don’t know what happens if I don’t find one. This brings this huge fear of the future back, the one I did not really feel during the last weeks.
FUCK MAN, WHY?
Why can’t I be some sort of mindless drone, working in just a regular job, coming home in the afternoon, doing stuff for a few hours, go to sleep and repeat everything every day and being fine with it and the system?
Why do I have to think all the time?
Why don’t I fit in?
Why is the world like it is?
Why do I have to be scared all the time?
Why is it not different?
How would the world be different?

I don’t know!