How do you perceive yourself, man?

Damn that’s a tough one…

What’s good everybody? Loooong, long time since the last post, I know. Thankfully this time of not writing stuff was rather good than bad. I was focusing so hard on my project on being free, I basically had no real time to “think” about stuff too much. I just did stuff. Started Youtube also! This and daily streams is more work than you might think. Also, I moved during that time. Had to go out the kinda toxic (for me at least) city and back to the city where I studied! Living alone and nobody is bothering me at the moment, yaaaay! Yeah that’s basically the status quo, not too much thinking more doing and grinding.

However, in the last few weeks I started to “think” again. Not necessarily the bad kind of thinking where you cannot stop and go in circles all the time but nevertheless thinking. As I said I live alone right now, which is good. I figured I need to be alone a lot. So yeah for now and the foreseeable future it’s the ideal environment for me. My thoughts, however, went further than that, though. Do I want to be alone my whole life? Do I generally want a girlfriend/wife? First answer to that question for me would be yes. With more thought behind it, it gets complicated. The difficult thinking is not about her. Let’s skip the attributes and characteristics she’d need to have. I am not particularly picky, it just has to be a natural fit.
Difficult for me in this thought construct is: Me! Let me try to explain. I am thinking back and forth on this for probably a decade or so. Ever since my last “intimate” relationship with a woman which is more than a decade ago. When I think about all the teen relationships I had I kinda feel sorry for the girls I dated. “Why?” You might think. Well that’s the hard part. It’s about how I see myself or how I perceive myself as a human being. I feel sorry for them because they dated me, made out with me, cuddled with me, etc.
When I try to imagine myself with anybody in those situations I am disguted.

By myself!

I don’t know why. When I look at myself in the mirror for example I am not disgusted. It’s not that I like myself in those situations, rather there is just nothing feeling wise. I just see a human being, no bad or good feelings at all. It’s just in these imaginary situations with women (come on we all do it) that I am disgusted. Because of this “issue” I don’t know if I can ever be not single. I doubt this feeling will go away ever honestly. It doesn’t matter how often people tell me “I am attractive” or a “handsome young man”, it changes nothing deep inside me. It’s of course nice to hear and maybe makes my day but that’s it. No change in my core perception about myself.

The thing is I don’t know what to do. Should I try to start dating in hope of “the right one” changing this perception with the risk of me suffering from these thoughts and feelings everytime I look at her or should I just stay alone?

I wonder if I am the only one with this problem.

Honestly I don’t know when the next post is coming. Initially I wanted to post stuff regularly but I figured out it doesn’t work for me. I can’t just write stuff regularly. I need to have something to say like today. However, I try to write a new post more frequently than every 10 months. The last one was August 2020…
Yeah that was it for today, I hope you liked it and can relate in some way. Thank you for reading this!
Also, I hope you are healthy in this pandemic. Stay safe, get vaccinated when you can and see you in the next post! Peace!